I've come to the conclusion that I am a stubborn, selfish, egotistical, jerkface, human being who needs a good slap in the face.
I often lose sight of who I am really living for and it's stupid. I let my friends and sometimes people who I don't even know, define who I am. My agenda is too often matched with theirs. I don't even make time for God anymore.
People see me as a "great voice" who loves the Lord, and I do love God, but to be honest I feel incomplete. I feel distant, numb, disheartened, angry, frustrated, complex, torn, tattered, far away, and at the same time I feel safe. I feel too comfortable in my faith that it is diminishing my REALationship with my God.
I'm done with that "safe" feeling. I honestly don't want to feel safe anymore. I want God's presence to be so thick that I can do nothing but feel completely uncomfortable and fall on my knees. I long for God to break me beyond belief.
I know that is a dangerous thing to ask for, but I truthfully long for it. I don't want the things of this life anymore. The music, the classes, the stress, the people, the influences....I want God. I want to be broken so He can fix me and make me new again.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my friends and my family, and even people who I do not know very well, but I need to stop letting them define who I am and I need to start letting my Definition of Life eclipse my sorry excuse for a soul. Jesus Christ is the only Sovereign Lord and HE deserves my praise....no one else.
I've looked to these verses for comfort from God and what He's stirring in my heart.
Isaiah 43:1-2 and 4
"But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name. YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; And through the rivers they shall not overflow you. Since you were precious in My sight, You have been honored and I have loved you; Therefore I will give men for you, and people for your life."
God even promises us people who will come in our lives and be there for us. But I am convinced that I shouldn't continue to let everyone define who I am in Christ. I need to let God be my model of hope and let Him be my agenda :)
