How I feel

At this very moment I honestly feel like I am very far away from my Lord even though He is right next to me.
He's been there this whole time and instead of turning to Him, running into His arms and choosing to experience His love, I choose my agenda and the agenda of other people.
I'm honestly sick of living like this. I keep wanting for God to break me big time, but His Word says to "humble yourself" (James 4:10) and somehow, I can't let go of what I keep doing every day.
I feel like giving God my attention takes too much energy and in all reality is does...and yet it doesn't, but it's worth every single bit of my time and energy! Why can't I grasp this?! God created us to use our brains and our hearts....I don't understand why it's so hard to just focus on what He wants and let Him take the wheel of my heart and drive!

There's one song that I led in SpiritWing this year and it's called Lead Me To The Cross. I never thought that I would get attached to that song like I did "None But Jesus" , but it still sticks with me because the message is something that I truly long for. Without the Cross I would not have been redeemed from sin and Hell. You wouldn't have either.
Anyway, there's one phrase in the song that says "Everything I once held dear I count it all as loss"....HMMMM......
At SpiritWing's last concert when I sang that phrase....I kind of choked up because I knew that what I was singing was not true of my own life. I still count everything in my life as things with value....when in fact....they aren't, compared to the things of God.

I'm sick of struggling with this and am not going to anymore.

Here's a prayer that I might continue to pray until it happens:

God,
Whenever I try to live life on my own I ALWAYS fall short of your glory. I'm tired of living like that! Please grant me a new mindset....a new way of thinking. Give me the thoughts of You and Your plan for my life...not my own.
I know that this is a risky request but please break me so that I can be fixed by You and only You. Not my friends, family, music, or anything else but You.
I don't want anything but You.....cause in all honesty You are all that I need. You alone are enough. Help my deceitful heart realize that You are all that I need, that You have everything under control, that Your plan is better, that everything that I hold dear needs to be counted as loss, that my delight needs to be in You so that I can live my life anew in Your plans, that You are Supreme....above all else.
Lord, let me see Your heart for my life....please forgive me for putting earthly/temporary things before You.
All I need from You is to be broken by You, only to be fixed by You. I need Your help...no one else's....just Yours. There's no one else for me but You!!!!!! Nothing else can satisfy like You can. I've experienced Your love and mercy before and I long to experience it again and again until the day that I die.
I am Yours.....
-Amen


Sorry if I seemed like I was venting, but I just needed to get this off of my chest and all of this is truly the longing of my heart.
I need to start being more vulnerable anyways....no more of this sissy, sugar-coated, stuff, but the real deal.

Have a blessed day,
-Liz Hitt
2 Timothy 2:13