Whose agenda am I living by?

I've come to the conclusion that I am a stubborn, selfish, egotistical, jerkface, human being who needs a good slap in the face.

I often lose sight of who I am really living for and it's stupid. I let my friends and sometimes people who I don't even know, define who I am. My agenda is too often matched with theirs. I don't even make time for God anymore.

People see me as a "great voice" who loves the Lord, and I do love God, but to be honest I feel incomplete. I feel distant, numb, disheartened, angry, frustrated, complex, torn, tattered, far away, and at the same time I feel safe. I feel too comfortable in my faith that it is diminishing my REALationship with my God.

I'm done with that "safe" feeling. I honestly don't want to feel safe anymore. I want God's presence to be so thick that I can do nothing but feel completely uncomfortable and fall on my knees. I long for God to break me beyond belief.

I know that is a dangerous thing to ask for, but I truthfully long for it. I don't want the things of this life anymore. The music, the classes, the stress, the people, the influences....I want God. I want to be broken so He can fix me and make me new again.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my friends and my family, and even people who I do not know very well, but I need to stop letting them define who I am and I need to start letting my Definition of Life eclipse my sorry excuse for a soul. Jesus Christ is the only Sovereign Lord and HE deserves my praise....no one else.


I've looked to these verses for comfort from God and what He's stirring in my heart.

Isaiah 43:1-2 and 4

"But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name. YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; And through the rivers they shall not overflow you. Since you were precious in My sight, You have been honored and I have loved you; Therefore I will give men for you, and people for your life."


God even promises us people who will come in our lives and be there for us. But I am convinced that I shouldn't continue to let everyone define who I am in Christ. I need to let God be my model of hope and let Him be my agenda :)

Being Vulnerable

This year God has tugged on my heart to be more open and more vulnerable about my life.

I don't necessarily know why He is wanting me to be vulnerable now but since He's wanting me to be more open about what He's done in my life to others, then all I can do is obey and trust that He will prepare me for any kinds of reactions that may occur.

Being open with people will gain their trust and it will also inform them of how they can be there for you when you need them to be there. Being open is a very hard thing to do but it is necessary in order to grow closer to one another and to have a stronger relationship with friends and family.

When I was talking to a friend on skype one night, I also had my iTunes on shuffle and I came across this song by Natalie Grant called "Safe" and it really spoke to my heart. Read the lyrics and watch the video. Listen to the words and as you listen to those words, I hope the lyrics encourage you to become more vulnerable with the people who are close to your heart.

They love you and will do what they can to be there for you. They won't judge you, they'll listen and encourage you as you grow spiritually.

Safe
by Natalie Grant

How did you know
That I'm all alone today
Oh I feel so scared
And I want to go away
I bleed so deep underneath
My soul is screaming

[Chorus:]
I'm not gonna hide
I'm not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars
And show you every mistake
Your love has
mended my blisters
And my bruising shame
Now I, I'm not ashamed.
Here with you
I am safe

Drowning the tears
Won't make it go away
It's robbing my soul
I'm taking this
mask off my face
To discover love
And uncover all
It means to live and breathe

[Chorus]

When you uncover
I discover
I am not afraid
But when we're hiding
We end up fighting
To be safe